Fluoridation Is The Most Monstrously Conceived and Dangerous Communist Plot

After hours and hours of delays and a long dinner with my parents and Mr. & Mrs. Eades, I stood at the end of the escalator anxiously awaiting the return of our beloved ex-patriot compatriots. My eyes tear’d over with boundless joy when I spied Dwight’s humongous halo of hair, and I charged him like a Raging Bull ready to strike the matador… or his wife (that one’s for you, Jamie). I buried my face so deeply into Dwight’s buxom chest that I failed to see Erin walk right past me. Turns out that I suck as a boyfriend- not that the past four years hadn’t proven that already…

I drove Erin home in my parents’ Lexus and was, as Keith would later describe, “giddy as a little kid” – so giddy, in fact, that I found it unreasonably difficult to keep my eyes from drifting to the pretty girl on my right. As you may know, when a driver’s eyes drift to the right, the car tends to do the same- a fact that was not lost on the officer behind me, who promptly pulled me over.

“I noticed you were swerving a little bit back there, and I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay,” announced the Fuzz.

“Sorry, I just picked up my girlfriend, and I haven’t seen her in six and a half months, so I’m a little excited,” I stammered exceptionally excitedly.

“You couldn’t wait until you got home?”

“I’m…. just…. excited…” I declared just as extraordinarily excitedly as before. After confirming that we had just come from the airport, the Man in Blue let us continue on our way, to revel in our excitement until we passed out watching Steve McQueen steal the heart of his leading lady both on and off screen (bonus points to anyone who can name the movie!).

Good tidings to you and your kin. See you in Chattanooga, but first, bring me a drink of pure grain alcohol and rain water.